I don’t know how you did it. Everything that day. How you physically delivered our daughter into the world knowing she’d never see it. Our hearts broke together that day. But you alone, you delivered our daughter. You endured hours of her inside of you unalive. You went through the physical battle of having her taken from you. From your body. And then, you dealt with your body responding to giving birth. All of the physical signs of having a baby lingered inside, and outside, of you. That physical ordeal, compounded with the emotional toll, I’ll never know. And I’ll never not admire you for enduring that. That is a strength few people have had to exercise.
Fuck. That day. It’s so visceral, yet so hazy. It feels so close, yet so far away. But never really that far. I can always dive back into that day as though I’m still there. We sat in our hospital room. Waiting for hours. You held me while I sobbed against your stomach wishing I’d feel her move again and this would all have been a terrifying, and awful, mistake. It wasn’t. It was our reality. It is our reality. This is part of our life forever.
Life isn’t fair and it’s hard for everyone. It’s particularly hard for parents who have lost children. It’s confusing, dizzying, and often times maddening. A simmering, justified rage lives like a storm inside us. One that swirls with such chaos and intensity, it can be devastating. That storm will always pass, and it will return. We’ve been honest with one another about our grief. About our struggles. And about our fears. I’m proud, and relieved, we’ve been able to find the beauty in the world and embrace laughter and happiness again. I’m proud you’re my wife.
Our daughter would be 5 at the end of this year. I know we’ll celebrate that, and her, everyday. We are so lucky to have our son, but that doesn’t mean we don’t miss our daughter, or that she’s any less a part of our family. Our inception, and journey, into parenthood has been uniquely challenging. I’m so glad, and lucky, I have such a strong partner by my side.
I love you,
Your adoring husband (forever)